The Reason
by Sapadu
Summary: In the moments of a dying Jedi, there is time for reflection.


I blame this fic entirely on my radio station for playing the same song over and over again.

It's a songfic about Vader's last thoughts before he dies, wondering what truly brought him back over to the good side of the Force. Based on the song 'The Reason' by Hoobastank.

The Reason

"I'm not going to leave you here- I've got to save you." Anakin Skywalker could hear his son's voice through his haze of pain and darkness. Save him? Why should Luke go to such trouble? After all, he was the one who had brought so much pain and death to the galaxy. He was evil. He was a monster. Was, of course, being the operative word.

I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do...

"You already have, Luke." Anakin whispered. He felt sick. With his son staring into his eyes so intensely, so trusting, so caring... it reminded him of the gaze that Qui-Gon had given him when he was a boy. He was a master of Jedi, but he was still a boy deep down inside, still a padawan learner. He regretted everything he'd done. Inside, Anakin felt himself crying a million tears for the people of Aldaraan he'd killed, the courageous pilots who flew in to destroy the first Death Star whom he'd shot down, even for the troop of tusken raiders who had killed his mother and who he had struck down in his fury, even for the Imperial officers who he had killed in painful, barbaric ways.

The former Sith lord wished with all his heart that he could go back and apologize to everyone. A tear for Qui-Gon, who took him from Tatooine and whose insistency brought him into training: He'd disgraced it. A tear for Obi-Wan, who had been the closest thing to a father he'd ever had, who'd trained him, and who'd brought his son into the training of the Jedi as well: He'd wasted it. A tear for Padme, whose kindness and love had inspired him and given him a motivation, who he would have died for, and who would have died for him: He'd forgotten it.

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

Padme... He couldn't help but remember when he'd first met her... When that beautiful creature descended from space to the lonely lost slave boy.

'Are you an angel? I heard about them from the space pirates; they're the most beautiful creatures in the galaxy.'

And so I have to say

before I go...

And he'd never forgotten her. Not when he was taken off Tatooine, not when he went to see the Jedi Council for the first time, not when Obi-Wan became his Master, not once in those ten years they spent apart...

And Padme had believed that he would be the greatest of all Jedi. She believed that he would always be good at heart... he would always be her little Ani.

"You were right. You were right about me." Anakin murmured, not only to Luke, but to Padme... wherever she was.

That I just want you

to know...

Maybe... maybe Padme's goodness and compassion and empathy and goodwill still held a strong tie to his heart. She'd inspired him many times in the past: inspiration to be a leader and free people who were oppressed, inspiration to follow his heart when it said his mother needed him, inspiration to disobey instructions in order to help others. Could this feeling Anakin felt be his beloved reaching out and inspiring him again? She'd taught him once that sometimes, turning against your loyalty can be the only way to save the good. Could his angel be the reason why he'd thrown Palpatine to his death, even at risk to his life?

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over, new

And the reason is you...

"Tell your sister.... you were right..." Anakin muttered, his mouth muffled by the piece that had once helped him breathe. And speaking of Luke's sister...

If Anakin had felt sick thinking about the people he'd killed, it was nothing to the burn he felt in the pit of his stomach. He'd interrogated, humiliated, imprisoned, tortured, and done many other horrible, horrible things to his own daughter. Moreover, when he'd done all those things, he'd enjoyed looking into her big, brown, Padme-eyes and relished in the fear and pain and anger and hate he'd seen.

He was sorry, now. The past could not be undone, and regret, remorse, and despair came of it.

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday...

And when he'd invaded Cloud City and turned the Baron Calrissian on Leia and Captain Solo, he'd hurt them even worse than physically. It had been so obvious that his daughter had been in love... and what had he done? He'd frozen the man in carbonite and given him to a bounty hunter.

If you want to hurt someone, hurt what is most precious to them. Anakin had done just that: carelessly, thoughtlessly...

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away...

It should have been his duty as her father to protect her from such harm, not cause it.

Anakin wished so dearly to be able to apologize, to take back all the pain he'd caused to his daughter. But, he knew he had little time. Maybe Luke could tell his sister for Anakin. The dying Jedi was sure his son would.

And, maybe, the two would be able to heal each other's pain, as brother and sister should. It was all Anakin wished for his children.

And be the one that catches all your tears

That's why I need you to hear...

A tear for Leia, his daughter, who he saw so much of Padme in, who was brave, strong, and determined, and who he wished so sorely that he'd spent time with when she was just a little girl. He would have picked her up and swirled her around in the air and hugged her and kissed her and told her that someday, she'd be a leader so wonderful that her mother wouldn't be able to compare. His little girl, now grown up, in control, and he was proud of her.

And a tear for the couragous, valient, chivolrous Captain Solo. Anakin would have been delighted to accept him as his daughter's first, true love; he would have welcomed the young man into the family as his future son-in-law: Anakin knew that Leia and the Captain would not be in separate families for long. He wished them the best.

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over, new

And the reason is you...

And the reason is you...

And the reason is you...

And the reason is you...

Anakin felt his life slipping away, death slowly ebbing closer. He could've sworn he'd heard Luke calling out to him, but he didn't really think it could be his son speaking with such care... almost as though he really wanted him to live...

I'm not a perfect person

I never meant to do those things to you...

Anakin could feel sorrow and pain and so many strange emotions that weren't his own. His link with the Force had reopened and he could feel his son's feelings... all of them... Luke was in agony... this was yet another person he would lose... his father... Luke had hoped so much that maybe his father could live, even if long enough that his sister could speak to him, as a daughter to her father before he moved on... so much lost... so much missed...

Anakin would have so dearly liked to go back in time if for only a minute he could be with his son as he grew up... he hadn't been there the day Luke learned to walk... or speak... or write... or tie his own shoes... nothing... everything that a father was supposed to do... Anakin hadn't been there... he was a failure...

But Luke... his son... he still loved him...

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know...

'I'm sorry, my son. I'm sorry I didn't believe sooner. I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry I left you and your sister. I'm sorry for all the destruction and chaos I caused. I'm sorry I cannot see you back to safety. I'm sorry I'm leaving you just as I've come back.'

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you...

Yes... this is why Anakin had killed Vader... He wanted his son back. But rather than force his son to become a Sith like he was, Anakin destroyed his own Sith, and came back to his son.

Because Luke had believed in him. Like Padme. Because Luke refused to destroy him. Like Obi-Wan. Because Luke refused to abandoned him. Like Qui-Gon. Because Luke loved him. Like his mother...

I've found a reason to show

A side of me you didn't know

A reason for all that I do...

Luke stared at his father's lifeless body, his mouth hanging open in shock. It was the body of Darth Vader, the Sith who had killed and hurt and destroyed and tore the galaxy apart... but he saw the face of his father... the head of his father... resting on those broad, black, proud shoulders. He was the only one to see his father without his mask, ever, since he had become Darth Vader. It was his father's last gift to him: to see the face of his father- father to son, proud of him for what he'd done, wishing him only the best, happiest life he could from here on out.

And the reason is you.


End file.
